Love is great. You’ve finally found someone who finds all your little quirks endearing, and who you can share your spit with.
Usually, if you’re dating someone, you either have the feeling or you don’t. If it doesn’t work out, it tends to be because there’s no spark, the chemistry is off, or you just don’t have enough in common.
When it is working, you’ll have butterflies and want to see the person again and again.
But while it’s easy to get wrapped up in the whirlwind of a new relationship, it’s important to remember there’s a difference between a healthy, growing love, and an unhealthy addiction or obsession.
If these sound like your relationship, it’s time to save yourself. Quit mistaking love for addiction and run to the nearest exit.
Below are the signs to watch out for.
1. He holds back important stuff you should know about
It’s hard to come clean when we’ve made a mistake or done something sh*tty. It’s normal to hesitate and be awkward when you need to apologize, or talk about something awkward or intense. But a little hesitation is very different than repeatedly hiding important things, avoiding important conversations, or telling half-truths. If he withholds information, gives vague answers, or makes it hard for you to know what’s going on, it’s a sign that he’s not being honest and he doesn’t respect you.
2. She accuses you of having negative traits you’ve never had
My ex used to accuse me of being secretive, of hiding things, and of being dishonest. At first, it really confused me. I blamed it on misunderstanding and poor communication. I started over-explaining everything to make sure I wasn’t “accidentally hiding something.” What a mess. Turns out (no surprise) he was the one hiding things, being secretive, and lying to me. But I still feel guilty about keeping things private and I have to stop myself from over-explaining things all the time. It’s a work in progress.
3. She does not accept it when you say no
Negotiation is part of a healthy relationship, and so is compromise. But when your partner refuses to take No for an answer, it’s not healthy. In fact, it’s a sign that she does not respect your autonomy or your feelings, and is only interested in getting what she wants no matter how it affects you.
4. He plays the victim and expects you to go along
What’s the storyline? Are you always hearing about how he’s been mistreated at work? Passed over again? Taken advantage of? Are simple tasks and errands somehow always more difficult for him, a major obstacle that he has to conquer instead of a normal, daily life thing to do? If every hardship is exaggerated, and any conflict is always someone else’s fault, get your running shoes on. You need to get away.
5. She has a way of turning a small issue into a bigger issue
Have you ever noticed that the people who claim to hate drama are the ones who end up creating it? Think back on the latest issues that have come up, for you or your partner, or in your relationship. How did they start? What were they really about? Do you ever find yourself wondering what the argument is even about? If your partner is always making simple issues into complex problems that suck all your energy and attention up, it’s unhealthy and you’re getting pulled into a manipulative vortex of drama-making craziness.
6. He can’t handle not having you attention
I used to feel like I was caught in a competition all the time, and I could never figure out why. It was exhausting. I felt like no matter how calm things were, as soon as I relaxed and got into my own stuff—like a good book, or a movie, or time with a friend—something came up and interrupted my time. While my ex wasn’t doing that consciously, he was doing it: he was jealous of the attention I gave to anyone else, or to anything he couldn’t be part of. I didn’t know why I felt so exhausted all the time. Now I do.
