When a married couple has children, their names essentially change to reflect the identity of their first-born child. For example, my parents are named Joshua and Gloria. In Rwanda, as soon as I was born everyone who knows them (friends, family members, community members, neighbors, perhaps even colleagues) would start to call them Papa Helaina and Mama Helaina. It provides for interesting commentary on the location of identity and the importance of procreating and having a family.
When a couple is planning a wedding, the man and the woman separately hold numerous “planning meetings” at which they meet with their friends and family to organize and finalize the details for the marriage. I attended one but wasn’t able to contribute much besides a smile and the occasional excited nod of understanding.
One of the ways that the family of a bride prepares for a wedding is to plant a few banana trees along the road leading to their house. In the past this was done to show that the family was relatively wealthy, because it was implied that they could also supply their guests with banana beer from the banana trees.
As soon as a couple gets married, the woman is expected to get pregnant. If she doesn’t get pregnant within a few months the entire family and community will judge and assume the couple is impotent.
When a couple shares a bed, the man always sleeps on the side away from the wall so that he can protect his wife/girlfriend in the case of an intruder or problem.
It is considered a serious taboo for an unmarried man to spend the night at an unmarried woman’s home. However it is a bit more acceptable, though still sometimes gossip-inducing, for an unmarried woman to spend the night at an unmarried man’s home.
This is part of a larger discussion about gender and double standards/disparate access and opportunities: it is not acceptable for women to go out dancing without men. If they do so, they will be considered prostitutes.
Traditionally, women in Rwanda are fairly meek when they are in public. There is a saying that my students told me – “a good woman is a silent woman.” Fortunately that paradigm is changing today – and I do my best in each class session to pull the girls out of their shells. Sometimes it feels like pulling teeth instead. However I’ve seen a gradual improvement in their confidence and willingness to volunteer their ideas, which is encouraging.
I have observed at large parties or meals that women generally wait for the men to take food before serving themselves. This I assume is an extension of domestic hierarchy and deference on the part of women.
It is completely acceptable for men to hold hands in public here. On one street I can usually count at least ten pairs of men (of all ages) holding hands and walking together. On top of that, men also walk arm in arm or arm over shoulder, share seats, sit on each others laps, dance very close, and do other intimate things that would peg them as homosexual in the U.S. However here in Rwanda, homosexuality is an extreme taboo so I suppose that’s why men can be so intimate.
On a similar note, when men who are close friends greet each other, they embrace very intimately in what I like to call a “forehead kiss”: with eyes closed they touch opposite sides of the forehead twice and then once in the middle, while shaking hands or holding each other’s shoulders. It’s very sweet and endearing to watch.
It is forbidden for a married person to say the name of his or her mother-in-law or father-in-law. When greeting them or even describing them to others, people cannot say their name and have to describe them instead.
